She allowed the delegates to mill about in panic for a little while longer before putting a stop to their squealing, if for no other reason than her sanity. “Enough!” she shouted, her scratchy voice raised to the familiar volume that had made it so. The entire room froze as though it were a single minded organism, and she would have giggled in delight if she were prone to such things. Mere [minutes] ago screaming as such would have had her thrown from the hall in disgrace. Now all present stood with baited breath, hanging on her every word. It was quite a welcome change.
“Are there any others who doubt the power of the gods?” she asked. Surprisingly, there weren’t.
Date point: 1y 6m 3w BV
Capital city of Sordit
“Custos Eallva?”
She jumped as the sudden voice from her shoulder tore her from her thoughts. She hadn’t even heard anyone approach! Her wide eyes fell upon Captain Triol, and she allowed herself to breathe again. That he hadn’t noticed her distraction was too much to ask, especially considering how she hadn’t even noticed his presence until he’d spoken, but he was not the kind of man to report her for such an act. Even as she looked she saw nothing but worry and an apology at startling her in his eyes without even a hint of anger or disappointment.
“Are you well?” he asked, peering at her with concern.
“Yes, of course, I was just thinking.” Thankfully he bought her generic excuse as he smiled in understanding.
“About Amdlin,” it wasn’t a question, and even though he was wrong, she remained silent, allowing him to believe he had guessed correctly. It was a good assumption, Amdlin’s recent demise was often on her mind, but it was a close second to the words of her brother, already a week past and yet just as confusing as before. Of course, she said none of this to the Captain.
“It is not wrong to mourn him,” Triol continued, “He was a good man, and a good instructor. Yet do not think he died in vain. He felt called by the gods, and so answered them. His death in the Ring was not a tragedy, for he is now with the gods whom he cherished. He is well.”
“Thank you,” Eallva murmured. Smiling kindly, the Captain cajolingly flicked her shoulder with his tail, then began to hop away. He took a few jumps before he came to an abrupt halt, turning about to look at her again.
“I nearly forgot why I came to talk to you,” he said, “The day before his challenge, Amdlin submitted a recommendation. In it he stated that you had achieved an exemplary level of mastery in combat during your short time, and that he personally believed you should be given guard duties in the Chambers.”
“What!?” her response was so sudden and loud that it became the Captains turn to leap back in surprise. She knew the question made her sound like an imbecile, considering how clearly the Captain had said it to her, but she couldn’t believe it. Chamber guards were supposed to be the best of the best, the elite – that was why they were allowed to guard Selvim’s living chambers. He didn’t really need a guard, but it showed the devotion of the people, and as such was a highly desired honor. She knew she was good, but she was still new. There must have been multitudes of others more skilled than herself that Amdlin could have recommended. Why had he chosen her?
The Captain, overcoming the initial shock of her outburst, smiled at her excitement, “Unless, of course, you would rather not . . .” he made to turn away.
“No! That is, I would most humbly accept the position, were Instructor Amdlin’s recommendation to be heeded.”
“What a surprise. I am here to relieve you of your post and to tell you to report to the Ring’s arena in [5 minutes]. As it is about an [8 minute] run to the Ring from here, I suggest you start sprinting. Tardiness is not a common trait amongst chamber guards.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.” The Captain nodded, settling himself into a comfortable position to see him through the remainder of what only moments before had been her posting. Following his suggestion she hared down the hall, leaping as fast as she could without losing control. The result was her standing in the very center of the arena, panting echoing endlessly in the currently vacated Ring [4 minutes] later. She hadn’t had much room for thought during her mad flight through the halls, but now that she was here, she realized just how strange it was that she was told to report to the arena. Why here? It made sense that she hadn’t been told to report to the Chamber’s entrance – seeing as how none but the chamber guards knew where the actual entrance to Selvim’s chambers were – but the Ring’s arena?
She momentarily put her questions on hold as a figure emerged from the inky blackness of Selvim’s entrance gate, approaching her with quick, confident hops. Other than the fact that they were male and wore the uniform of a chamber guard, Eallva didn’t recognize anything about him, even when he was close enough for her to clearly see his face. Stopping before her, the Chamber guard gave her a casual glance before turning right around, jumping back the way the way he had come with a dry, “Follow.”
Bemused, Eallva did as she was commanded, trailing the Chamber guard as he led her into open entrance through which Selvim appeared every Challenge. After a short jaunt they reached a heavy door which the guard unlocked with a key from his belt while producing another that he wordlessly handed to her which she added to her own guard’s key ring. It would be easy to tell apart from the other keys, it’s black sheen standing out against their dull bronze. Past the door a long spiraling ramp led them deep beneath the Ring before ending in another locked door.
Blinding light spilled through the door the moment the guard pushed. The cause was instantly apparent as she saw more of the hall on the other side. Torches lined the walls in greater numbers than she’d ever seen, nearly three times as many as was normal. Gods it was nearly as bright as the surface when the sun was up! Why would anyone want so much light? The guard, noticing her squinting against the glare smiled for the first time. “Don’t worry,” he said patronizingly, “You’ll grow accustomed to it eventually. Until then, enjoy the headaches.”
“Why is it so bright?” she asked, the light addling her common sense enough to the point that she failed to wonder if she was allowed to even ask questions. Apparently she was.
“Because Selvim wanted it so. Welcome to the Chambers, where our purpose, now yours, is to ensure that every one of his desires is met, and one of those is that every room except the one in which he sleeps be as bright as this.” The amount of planning and effort that must have gone into building the necessary ventilation shafts so that so many torches could be lit at once must have been monumental, not to mention the maintenance. Of course, it was for a god, why hold back?
Her still unnamed guide led her to a small alcove off the main hall filled with racks of armor and weapons. Quickly sizing her with his eyes he pulled several Chamber uniforms from the wall which he handed to her to test their fit and weight. No doubt armor of the same dimensions as her own was currently being crafted in the Chamber’s style, but wither her assignment to such a position being as short-notice as it was, she would have to make do with spares until then. Even here in what was obviously the armory – a place that she doubted Selvim would ever need visit – the amount of light was dizzyingly abundant. She thought she could already feel the beginnings of a headache.
“Being new, your orders are as simple as can be. Every day you will report here through an exit/entrance tunnel that will be shown to you later today. Once here you will receive your postings from myself, where you will remain until told otherwise by one of greater rank than him who told you to stand there. As I am the commander, that means you will not move from where I send you until I personally dismiss you. At your post you are to do nothing except what I command you. If you have any questions as to the locations of anything, do not hesitate to ask someone other than me. Questions?”
She couldn’t think of any that she felt like asking. Apparently that was that was the correct answer, since the Commander gave her a sharp nod before continuing. “For your first assignment you are to bring a cup of water and place it in Selvim’s sleeping chambers before he arrives. As the earliest he likes to sleep is a mere [3 minutes] from now you should hurry. Dismissed.”
Eallva almost asked where she would find the water or even the cup, but then remembered his previous orders. Snapping a quick salute she bounded from the amory. The first guard she found she asked where to find the necessary materials to carry out her short mission. Water filled cup in hand and only [1 minute] remaining she breathlessly asked where Selvim’s sleeping chambers were, silently reflecting on the efficacy of her new Commander’s method of leadership.
[1 minute] later she stood, panting before the door that had been indicated to her, hoping she wasn’t too late. Quickly entering she made a quick glance, and was relieved to see the room was empty. After registering that fact she was quickly distracted by the contents of the room. It was so different. Objects were taller, longer and in many cases thinner. Handles on chests came in pairs of two, obviously not made to be lifted by a tail, but rather strangely strong arms. Even the bed itself was different, being rectangular rather than square. Most wonderfully of all, no torches lined the walls with their glaring light. Her beleaguered eyes reveled in the return to darkness, only ruined by the light shining through the open doorway.
Remembering herself, she placed the water on a table near the bed, turning to leave. A shadow of a thought flitted across her consciousness, and she turned back again, not truly understanding why, until her eyes fell upon the walls of the bedroom. Cut white stone, expensive enough to be walls of the temple itself. Cut white stone, far beneath the Ring. The memory of Jablo’s discovery came crashing back to her, nearly forgotten in her brother’s revelation. She remembered the journey, and she remembered the scream. The wordless cry of despair. With a sinking feeling, she understood to whom that cry had belonged.
A noise behind her shook her from her reverie, and she turned. The door behind her stood open, a weirdly shaped silhouette standing silently there.
Date point: 7y 9m BV
“Give me one good reason why any of this is necessary,” Selvim said obstinately, interrupting her mid-speech as was his habit. She silently ground her teeth as she kept her expression impassive.
“As I was going to tell you before you interrupted, the public has been asking themselves why the emissary from the god of war is acting more like the lackey of the god of public infrastructure. We successfully passed off your inactivity in the actual battle as divine guidance and the value of self-determination, but so far the only things you have – through me – taken any direct action in is to clean up this city – gods know it needed it. While they are not specifically complaining, they are asking questions that I would rather remain unasked, as they lead to something that could threaten my position. As it is in your best interest from me to remain in the position that I currently hold, participating in these challenges is to your every advantage.”
“But I have no reason to see these people dead, why would I fight them?” had he even been listening as she had explained? She’d lied, of course, but the least he could have done was listen as she was deceiving him – a frightfully simple achievement when he had no contact with the city outside the temple walls. Forced to repeat herself, she tried hard not to appear exasperated. “You will be fighting criminals, those already doomed to die, and yet given the chance to challenge the system of laws that have sentenced them to that fate. What better way to show why we follow the edicts of Selvim than by showing he is able to back his laws by his strength. It gives the people something to believe in, to feel safe in. They have a judge who is not only wise enough to make just laws, but also strong enough to carry them out. The criminals, on the other hand, have the opportunity to challenge that system. If they wish to live, have them fight the one who has condemned them.”
By the end of her words his face was a picture of incredulous confusion. Slowly, he opened his mouth to speak. “That is some of the most fucked up logic I’ve ever heard. You know what, screw it, I don’t care what you freaks seem to think justice is and isn’t. If they’re criminals and deserve it then I guess I don’t mind much, but there are two things we need to talk about before we keep thinking about this, the first of which is my fighting ability. I’m not a trained fighter. I win fights through being the fastest and strongest, but that’s not really true down here. Strongest – on account of my size, sure – but I’m by far the slowest. What happens when I’m facing some shmuck who actually knows how to use a weapon?”
How he constantly surprised her. One moment he was eating lies out of her paw like a simpleton, the next he was demonstrating forethought and planning. How could such contrary traits exist in the same being? Fortunately she had already planned for this contingency. “That will not be a problem,” she replied reassuringly, “I have procured one who is willing to train you. He is one of our armies finest instructors, and best of all, he cares not one wit about the gods. Whether they exist or do not has no bearing on his actions; money is his only motivator. This year has been very profitable for the temple, and so it is well within our means to procure his silence. Do not worry that he will go easy on you – he never really believed you were a god in the first place.”
Selvim gave a perfunctory nod. “Fine, but there’s one more issue. What’s taking you so long to find Him?” The capital “H” was implied. She gave a mental sigh. And so the game began. This first round would, at least, be simple. Putting on her best “You’re clearly not thinking,” expression, she looked him directly in the eyes. “My original assumptions as to how easy it would be to find your nemesis appear to have been mistaken. It may surprise you, but searching an entire planet takes time. I had hoped that, as you had said you were close behind this other being, that he would not have fallen far from where you landed, but that seems to not be the case. Believe me though when I say I have not forgotten my agreement. Scouts are covering more ground every day. He will be found, of that you can be sure.”
The light in his eyes, no longer the raging inferno of their first meeting, had over [1 year] died down into a festering ember, always present, never waning. As he answered the fires burst for a moment back to their original intensity, threatening to scorch her where she stood.
“See that He is.”
Dear Journal,
Far too fucking long
Seeing the size of my new underground chambers and the arena above them, I could see why they had taken so long to build. I was having trouble sleeping again, though this time because of my own anger rather than anything else. Why was it taking so long? What was with the delay? Was she even looking? The longer it took the more chance that someone would wake the Mutant and then everything since Vakno would be for nothing. I needed to hurry. I needed to do something.
Fitfully, I began drifting to sleep. I felt its presence before it spoke. I hadn’t really thought that merely changing rooms would make it go away, but I had still held on to some small scraps of hope that that would be the case. With a question, we started our nightly ritual within the confines of my mind.
“Why are you doing this?”
To give Vancil the resources she needs to find the Mutant.
“What will you do when you find him?”
I’ll finish what I started.
“What are you willing to do to have that chance?”
Anything.
The final line of what had become a nightly script uttered, it left me to my sleep. For the first time, its parting brought a small sense of unease, soon smothered in dreams.
Date point: 3y 6m BV
“Enter!” snapped the Excelsum at the knock on her door. She had shouted perhaps a little louder than was strictly necessary, but it felt good to vent some of her frustration. Why was dealing with the petty complaints of the other cities so infuriating? Why did so many things require her personal attention? She was the supreme leader of them all, yet why did she feel like it was they, not she who held reign over her time? The door opened and she dropped the Qin trade income reports on her desk. Looking up she watched the gnarled and twisted form of Crubec enter her chambers. The guards should have announced him and ensured that she wanted to see him, but they’d most likely been too frightened by the prospect of stopping the fearsome trainer to tell him to wait quietly while they went in and checked on her. Regardless she needed a break.
“If you are not bringing Raki seeds and the news that all the governors are dead then you should walk back out that door.”
He gave his dry laugh, the only sign of emotion other than disapproval he seemed to show. “It’s Selvim,” he began. Immediately she knew it would not be good news. Selvim had recently become . . . difficult. He did as she asked, but he only did it after extensive explanation and reassurances that his other was close to being found. She’d been forced to show evidence of her progress – bits and pieces of debris from the crash. That she had gotten the debris from his own crash site had not entered into the conversation, but the results had been encouraging nonetheless. For a while he had been as compliant as he had during his [first year]. It had lasted hardly [a month] before he was back to being unresponsive and stubborn.
“What has he done this time?” Often Selvim expressed his displeasure by destroying things. Thankfully he hadn’t thrown one of his tantrums in front of the guards, yet. It didn’t surprise her – she would have been terribly bored in his position. Other than training sessions with Crubec and challenges, he had nothing to fill his time. Obviously he couldn’t go walking about the city – or even the Temple. On rare occasions he liked to walk outside while the sun was up, but the desert during the day was not such a pleasant experience that one would choose to do it often or for long. And of course he could go out when it was night and the city was awake. She had given him different objects with which to occupy his time – wood for carving, books to read, even a flute (he’d shown no interest in carving, only slightly more in reading, but he had gotten better at the flute, oddly enough) – but the inactivity was a problem she didn’t know how to solve.
“He hasn’t done anything, that’s the problem.”
She scowled, “Explain to me how that is in any way a problem?”
“He has a challenge in a week, and the only thing he seems to do is sit at the foot of his bed and play that damn flute. I tried yelling at him that if he didn’t prepare then he’d be slaughter in the arena like an ani-grub, but he just smiled at me and played ‘I don’t care when the sun comes up’. I tried hitting him and he turned his back on me and he started playing even louder.”
Worry rose in her chest. This was bad. This was something new, something different. Boredom, she knew how to handle, but whatever this new state was, it was something she was unfamiliar with. She’d need to see to this personally. Grabbing a world map – she knew it was wrong, but there was no way the map-makers could have known – she left her rooms at a quick hop, Crubec following. As she traveled down the winding ramp that led to Selvim’s chambers under the ring, she made a quick mark on the map far from where the city of Sordit was shown.
Entering Selvim’s bedchambers she found him just as Crubec had described, with the offworlder sitting at the foot of his bed, playing his flute. He gave her a mocking smile as she entered. This was definitely a change for the worse. His smile showed no signs of warmth or even anger. It was unsettlingly devoid of any emotions she would have deemed rational in his position. To her, it bespoke a questionable level of stability.
“Crubec tells me that you are refusing to prepare for your upcoming challenge”. Selvim continued playing, switching tunes to the children’s song “I know not what you have heard.” It was far from amusing.
She pressed on, “Would you mind explaining why you refuse to do as Crubec asks?”
He finally stopped playing, though only long enough to respond, “Not really,” before continuing.
She finally relented, “Would you please explain to me why you are acting as you currently are?” he gave her another humorless smile, this time with a hint of bitterness.
“Manners? Since when have you ever had any of those? But since you asked so nicely I guess I might as well. I’m not fighting the challenge next week. I’m not fighting any more challenges, actually. You’re obviously not looking for Him. The only reason I’m still here is because I’m trying to think of the best way to discredit you by my leaving. I’m thinking a grand speech before everyone in the Ring would do the trick, followed by my departure, though only after telling the poor condemned soul I’m supposed to fight that everything he did was condoned by the gods and that he should never change. Sound good to you?” His smile was decidedly unpleasant by the time he finished.
The Excelsum gulped. Why could he not pick a level of gullibility and stick with it? She had brought the map for use in only the worst of scenarios, yet now she wondered if it would be enough. It would have to be, she didn’t know where his other was. Though Selvim would never have believed her, she did currently have scouts searching for the other ‘god’. Ever since she had begun to suspect that Selvim’s willingness to cooperate was beginning to wane she had started looking for a replacement, but she could find no trace of this other. He truly did not seem to exist, although traces of wreckage not from Selvim’s crash had surfaced, though nothing substantial. Still, that had little bearing on her current situation.
“Though you seem to believe that finding a single being, albeit a peculiar one, in an area that encompasses the entire planet is an easy feat, there has recently been some progress in locating your other. I intended to withhold this information until after your challenge so as not to distract you, but a scout returned with this map, marked with the location of your nemesis’ crash site.” she handed it to him before he could snatch it away from her. “As you can see, the journey is almost a year in and of itself, as it is dependent upon the tides in the north sea. Your other may have already been found, and the final messenger in transit. You will see him again, it only requires your patience. Please, stop this nonsense and listen to Crubec. Turning on me now could only be to your greater detriment.”
For several breathless moments he glared at the small hole in the map, all hints of the mocking smile gone. He opened his mouth as though to say something, closed it, then opened it again. Finally he gave a shout of frustration, crumpling the map and throwing it into the corner of the room. “Damn you!” he roared, “Damn you and your false hope. You’ve bought yourself another two years. That’s it! If I’m not on a boat taking me straight to Him by the end of that time then I will leave you in the most publicly humiliating way. Now get out of my sight, I have a challenge to prepare for.”
Stifling her displeasure at being so brusquely dismissed, the Excelsum did as asked, passing Crubec on her way out. She was under no illusion that she had less time than that which he had allotted her. His patience was running thin as it was, and [two years] was far too long to hope that it would hold. Before she’d even left the chambers under the Ring she began considering the arrangements necessary to remove Selvim, once the time came.
Dear Journal,
Eternity
“Will that be all, my lord?”
“Sure, why the fuck not. Go sleep and get drunk and do whatever it is that you do for fun. Don’t die, I wouldn’t have anyone but the Excelsum to talk to if that happened.”
The commander of my personal guard force left my rooms, bowing out as he always did. I’d started talking to him some years before. I’d known I was only supposed to talk to Vancil, but I was fed up with having only her and Crubec for company. After coming up with what I thought was a suitable story, I gave the soldier a simple greeting. First time I thought I’d killed him from shock, the guy rolled over on his back like he had been electrocuted. Once he woke up I told him how I thought him worthy yada yada yada and suddenly I had another person to talk to. He wasn’t much of an improvement though, because in talking to him I’d discovered he was a complete workaholic; boring in every way. Still, he was better than the alternative, and once you got to know him he had a certain endearing quality to him. If nothing else he was dependable to a fault.
Alone in my room I felt the usual feeling of claustrophobia and helplessness that filled every unoccupied moment. I was beyond impatient. I was going insane. Then the fucking Excelsum with her fucking map come in and tell me all I’ve got to do is wait a little fucking longer! Leaping to my feet with a shout I flipped the end table. It was childish and only served to ruin a good piece, but it felt good. Maybe it would get better once I slept. Yeah, like that had worked the previous thousand times.
Lying in bed, I no longer tried to fall to sleep without its noticing. Waiting in the hazy pre-sleep, I watched for its approach, wondering if tonight it would find what it was looking for. I had decided that’s why it kept coming back. It appeared in its own way, suddenly and without warning. In the ethereal boundaries of my consciousness I gave it a nod of greeting. It, as always, launched right into its question.
“Why are you doing this?”
To give Vancil the resources she needs to find the Mutant.
“What will you do when you find him?”
I’ll finish what I started.
“What are you willing to do to have that chance?”
I tried to answer “Anything” as I always did, but the word stuck in my throat. I couldn’t say it, why couldn’t I say it? Even though I knew it was just my imagination, I felt its eyes upon me, expectant, excited. Finally I found a phrase that, mercifully, I could say.
What I must.
It left me, as it always did. It had not found what it was looking for. I could almost feel its frustration at being fruitless in its search once again – impatient. It was a feeling I understood and felt only too keenly.
Date point: 1y 10m BV
“And he’s said nothing?”
“Nothing, Excelsum.”
“No hints, no threats, no warnings, nothing?”
“Do you think I wouldn’t have heard him if he had?”
“And he hasn’t started speaking to the guards either?”
“I’m pretty sure we’d find out rather quickly if he had, seeing as gods aren’t supposed to do that.”
“Has he been acting any different at all?”
“. . . not really.”
“Explain.”
“He’s seemed a little quiet for the past [month] or so, but nothing worth worrying about.”
“Whether or not it needs to be worried about is my decision, not yours. Exactly how is his behavior ‘quiet’ compared to before?”
“He doesn’t look like he wants to kill me half the time. If anything I’d say he looks a little sick while we’re training. I don’t know why, he’s in peak condition as far as I can tell, but he’s reluctant to pick up his weapons and eager to set them down. He’s stopped trying to get under my skin like he used to. He just seems, tired I guess, but that doesn’t really make any more sense either since he sleeps whenever he isn’t eating or training. I doubt he’s even noticed how long it’s been since his ultimatum. Even though he’s still a pain to motivate, he’s easier to work with than he was before. I say let him be, he’s better than he was before.”
“Perhaps . . . . you are still confident your – apprentice – can beat him when the time comes?”
“Easily.”
“Very well. I want detailed reports after every training session and an immediate message if anything changes. We shall see how this develops.”
“Understood, Excelsum.”
Date point: 1y 7m BV
Dear Journal,
Help
Another Challenge, another victory. I flopped onto my bed, exhausted. Not because of the fight, I always seemed tired, recently. The fight hadn’t even been difficult; the opponent’s footwork had been atrocious. It was over the moment I reached him – I hadn’t even bothered approaching him at the light jog I usually used to save energy, I had just wanted it to be over. He had been younger than most of the opponents I fought.
I wanted to sleep, to fall into unconsciousness before it could force its way into my mind and demand I acknowledge it. As always I lost that race, and in the silence of my room the question gave its customary greeting. “Why are you doing this?”
I just had to answer it, then it would leave me alone.
To give Vancil the resources to find the Mutant.
“What will you do when you find him?”
I’ll finish what I started.
“Why?”
What I – wait, come again?
“Why do you intend to kill him?”
Had I not been half asleep I would have contemplated the fact that I was speaking to a voice in my head, but in my current dream state the oddity of the situation failed to impress itself upon me. The question itself, however, did. Confused, I answered.
Because he deserves it.
“Perhaps, but do you?”
What?
“Do you deserve what killing him will do to you?”
I don’t understand.
“Yes you do numbskull. I’m you, so you just don’t want to think about it, now answer my question.”
I’ve ended countless lives since I got out here, what damage will one more add that isn’t already there?
“The reason you kill is just as important as the act itself. None who have died by your hand were killed purely for your own personal vindication. Misguided as many of your reasons may have been, they have never been purely revenge.”
But neither is this one! This is justice.
“How?”
How can you ask that?
“Was Mama completely innocent?”
Of course she was.
“Think again.”
She never could have hurt him with such a weak pulse gun.
“Doesn’t matter, she made her own choices. But her innocence aside, do you believe she would want her death to have caused to you do any of the things you’ve done to yourself and others?”
We’ll never know because she’s dead.
“You really going to try that with me? Dig deep and hazard a guess.”
I don’t know.
“Bull shit, guess.”
I don’t know!
“Yes you –”
It doesn’t mat –
“Hmmm? You finished the thought, I heard it. Say it.”
– matter.
“That’s right. You aren’t doing this for her, or Severus, or even Dink. This course of action is purely selfish.”
So what if it is?
“If you truly don’t know the answer to that then I wouldn’t be here, you’d be too far gone. If you continue on this path you’ll become even worse than He.”
So what’d you have me do? Just stop right now, after all I’ve done?
“Yes.”
You’re crazy.
“That is a distinct possibility, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be right.”
I can’t just stop! I’ve come too far, I’m too close!
“You don’t know that. He could be years off this planet for all you know. Even if he is here, how many more countless innocents are you going to sacrifice for your own selfish desire of vengeance?”
They aren’t innocent, they’re convicted criminals.
“If you expect me to think that you believe that, you’re dumber than Vancil thinks you are.”
It’s true!
“No it’s not, you just want it to be true so you can push aside what’s left of your conscience. They’re innocent and you know it. You’re a monster just like Him.”
Shut it.
“Ever since Mama’s death everything you’ve touched you’ve left worse off than it was before.”
I said shut it.
“Dink, Severus, Manthlel. All of them trusted you, and you only brought them more pain, worry, and heartache.”
Shut up!
My eyes snapped open. A waterfall was pounding in my ears, an endless roar of noise that blocked out sound and rational thought. I leapt from my bed, not knowing why, only knowing that I needed to kill something, destroy something. Only then did I realize the endless pounding in my ears was my own voice. Mouth agape, a wordless howl of frustration emanated from my maw. It wasn’t my fault! He deserved death, and I was the only one that could give it to him. That was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? If it wasn’t what else was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do?
I sat, panting, kneeling on the floor of my room, waiting for an answer. Any answer, other than the one that I already held in my mind. None came, and I confronted the one that I knew, hoping it was something other than what I feared. It wasn’t.
“Fix what you have broken.”
How?
It didn’t answer.
Date point: 1y 6m 3w BV
I stood in the doorway, surprised to find someone in my room. The commander of my personal guards always made sure that every one of my requests was seen to before I actually needed them, and as such I rarely caught any guards in the act of preparing them. When I did they usually squeaked in fright and then either stood, paralyzed with fear, or leaped from the room. This one was different. I could tell she was surprised, perhaps a little frightened, but once I moved into the room, I could see more curiosity in her eyes than anything else.
The question who had remained deaf to all my cries for help since that night spoke again, a simple phrase.
“She can help.”
For several quiet moments we stood, silently studying the other. I had thought long on how I could fix what I’d done, and I’d come to a decision. If I were going to go through with what I had decided, I would need assistance; more than only my befriended commander could supply.
Perhaps she could help.
Perhaps she can help me kill the Excelsum.