“Ava!” Jess’ expression fell on seeing her former student’s downcast expression and smudged makeup. “Oh…honey, what’s wrong? Or is this one for Gabe?”
“This is…” Ava sighed, entering their apartment. “I don’t know” she said, simply, and shrugged. “Adam proposed.”
“He did?” Gabe asked, emerging from the kitchen.
“Yeah. Didn’t he tell you?”
“Madre de Dios, mi hijo es un idiota a veces…“Gabe sighed. “No, he…Are you okay?”
“Just…drained.” Ava sat down at the table. “I tried to leave the door open, but…I don’t think he really knows why I said no, or if he got that I really do WANT to marry him, I just…”
Her hair bunched up as she planted her elbows on the table and raked her fingers across her scalp, then threw her hands down on the table. “Five years, you know?”
“Sounds like you both need some advice.” Gabe noted.
“What’s to advise? We need to start over. But if it’s going to work, he needs to…God, this sounds so selfish, but he needs to focus on me a bit, right? Is that selfish?”
“No, that’s a marriage.” Jess replied.
“It feels selfish. I just…you know, I…I…”
“What?”
”…Can you promise me that this will never, ever get back to him? Ever?”
Jess and Gabe exchanged glances, but nodded.
“I, uh…” Ava took a cleansing breath and looked up at them. “I cheated on him.”
Gabe sat down, expression unreadable and creating a vacuum that she just had to fill.
“I…God.” Ava sat back and looked around the kitchen as she gathered her thoughts. “That sounds terrible…”
She wiped her eyes. “…I came this close to breaking up with him” she said, finally. “The only reason I didn’t is because this…friend…of mine, he helped me stay on top of it. He helped me feel…”
She cleared her throat, leaned forward and made eye contact again. “The one thing Adam told me time and again is that I’m what kept him going when things got tough. Right? But he wasn’t keeping me going, you know? All of that energy, all of that love, it was only going one way, and I guess I just…I ran out. And, and I needed somebody else to send some of that energy to me for a while. That’s half of it.”
An uncomfortable half-minute ticked out on the wall clock, during which Jess surreptitiously blew her nose.
“And the other half?” Gabriel prompted.
Ava spoke to her own hands rather than look at him. “He’s a special operator now, you know? I have to get used to the idea that…that maybe one day he’ll go on a mission and only a flag will come back. That’s how it has to be, you know? And…What happens then? If I’m- if my feelings are so tied up to him, and that ever happened…I mean, if I’m not me first, if I’m all about him and he dies, then what does that leave me with?”
Behind Gabe’s back, Jess nodded. Gabe himself was just still, and a little old and damaged and attentive, leaving an intolerable void where his part of the conversation should have been.
“This…this is all coming out wrong. I’m making it sound like I, or…Dad, I’m sorry.”
Gabe just reached over the table and took her hand. “Don’t.” he said, gently. “Do you regret it?”
“No.”
The answer seemed to be the opposite of what Gabriel had wanted and expected to hear. “…You don’t?”
“I…learned a lot. About how to let go and, and…and how to…” she took a breath and started over. “I love Adam. Come on, how many guys are there in the world who’d go through what he has all so he can throw himself in harm’s way to protect other people? He’s my hero! And…If there’s such a thing as a soulmate, he’s mine, I know it. But I had to learn that I can’t afford to love him that much if I couldn’t live without him. Does that make sense?”
Gabe’s ability to just listen kept pulling her forward. “And…now I know I could. And knowing that I could keep going even if he died tomorrow…it kind of frees me to be able to love him as much as I want to. Please, does…does that make sense?”
Gabe finally looked down, and squeezed her hand gently. “I…guess it does.” he said, finally. “I don’t like to think about him getting…” He trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.
“I never thought about…mama and papa, or my school friends, or whatever.” Ava replied. “I didn’t like to think about death at all. But you have to, Dad. You have to think about death. They died, when I accidentally poisoned myself that one time I thought I was gonna die, I saw you nearly die when that guy shot you…Sara…and now Adam’s a soldier.”
Jess shut her eyes and looked away, but Ava surged on. “You’ve got to think about it, and you’ve got to have a plan, because there’s no if involved. There’s just…there’s when. Isn’t there? And I had to know I was strong enough to keep going without him. I had to know…I had to know he wasn’t everything. I don’t think I’d dare to love him if he was everything.”
There was an eternity where the only sound was the buzz of the lighting and fridge-freezer, before Gabe finally deflated. “…Entiendo.” he murmured.
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“I thought you said you don’t regret it?” Gabe asked.
Ava stumbled. “Well…no, I don’t.” She agreed.
“Then don’t apologise. It’s not…” He sighed, then looked back at Jess, who gave him a weak smile and took his hand over his shoulder. “It’s not something I’d have done, and I don’t know if I think it’s ever justified, but…we trust you, Ava. If you think you needed to do it…I wasn’t there, I can’t judge.”
Ava produced a weak smile of her own. “Thank you.” her voice was full of relief and true gratitude.
“You need to work on your communication, though.” Gabe continued. “There’s no way he’ll figure it out himself. You should have spelled out the problem, rather than just turning him down.”
Jess nodded. “Adam’s a remarkable man.” she said, addressing Ava. “But…you’re the only girlfriend he’s ever had. He won’t know how to figure out what you’re feeling, nor how to cope.”
“I can’t tell him what I did, it’d totally break him!” Ava protested.
“Jess is right, though.” Gabe told her. “Even if he never learns……what you did…he still needs to be told that it’s got to be a real relationship, not just two survivors putting each other on a pedestal and not really having a whole lot in common.”
Ava relaxed. “I knew you’d think of how to phrase it.” she said.
“Well, you’ll probably think of something better if you give it time to think.” Jess replied. “But…just make sure you tell him sooner rather than later, okay? He’s going to need to be told that you want to start over.”
“And tell him to come talk to us!” Gabe added.
“I can do that.” Ava promised. “I’ll talk to him, when I know what to say.”
“Probably sensible.” Jess agreed. “Like you said—you never know what’s going to happen.”