When I began my glorious charge in the name of my dignity, ready to get my lights knocked out by the fist of an alien who has probably evolved on planets probably deadlier than my own, I didn’t expect Arnold Schwarzenegger compressed into a ball of energy to use his special move on my gut. I also didn’t expect him to be launched out of the rifle being held by a miniature blue giraffe with arms. All I can tell you is that it hurt worse than Gas Station Sushi’s greatest warriors. A weird ringing filled my ears, and I curled, falling to my knees. Other than the obnoxious ringing, I could hear nothing. I took a few breaths, recomposed myself, and stood up, barely even 10ft away from the red alien.
I was pissed. My pipe was pissed. Squiggles would probably be watching with some popcorn. Fucking Squiggles.
Slowly bringing myself to my feet, I realized that no major damage had really been done to my body. Or, atleast, it didn’t seem so. My stomach area was probably black and blue, but when the adrenaline began kicking in, that didn’t matter as much. I looked up at the blue giraffe. I never thought I could tell if a giraffe was scared, but I think this one was. The red alien was just staring on in what I think was disbelief. Was that supposed to be a lethal blow?
“….that…. REALLY hurt…” I managed to choke out. The red alien, which I think I’ll name ‘Prick’, was still looking on as if an old man and his Mother broke the news to him that they were getting married. The giraffe turned around, and stepped back into the ship.
“No you don’t!” I couldn’t stop myself from screaming that which was unfortunate because Prick pulled a laser pistol from his holster. I darted and grabbed his arm, my grip as tight as I could muster.
CRRKKKKAKKKKK
Prick screamed in pain, and I just looked on. Did I just break two of his arms? With my wimpy grip? I’m not the one venturing through space all the time, so how? Right now though, that didn’t matter as much. I grabbed his laser pistol and fired it at the giraffe’s legs, two of which seemed to crumble and fade into a fine mist, causing him to fall face first to the ground and, I THINK, knock out. I threw my knee into Prick’s middle region with all my might, and another crunch emitted, which, to be honest, felt kind of good. One arm still gripping him, I threw him to the ground, and he howled in pain.
When I turned back to face the ship, what appeared to be human sized racoon threw himself out of the blackness of the door and into me, causing us to tumble to the floor. I grabbed the racoon by the arms and pinned it down. He struggled, but I moved my hand off one of his arms and brought it to his neck, and pushed lightly. From the miniscule force, the thing began GAGGING! Miniscule force. From me, a WIMP! I held it there until he seemed to go unconscious. Three down, probably more than I can count left.
Swivelling around to see the ship, I noticed that the thrusters on the sides were firing, and the large black frame began to hover off of the ground gracefully. Oh fiddlesticks, what now?! If those guys get off this planet, they’ll come back with more, I’m sure of it! Then me and Squiggles will be goners. Not on my watch!
I didn’t have the confidence to ask out a girl back on Earth, but here, I was the deadliest thing known to anyone ever. I could even fi–oh, right. I got a running head start, and jumped up onto the ship, grabbing a rail on the side. Holy shit, I was flying! I was fuckin’ flying! Ridiculous as it was, I had to figure out how to stop this thing before it takes off. That’s when I saw a partially exposed panel next to the thruster, and quickly, I reached for it and ripped it off like tracing paper. Dude, being a Human is badass.
I reached inside and tore up the wiring. A loud whirring sound came from the engine, followed by smoke as we dropped back to Apollyon. Okay, we weren’t even really 30ft up, but it felt like we were among the stars. That’s probably because I’ve never even rode a rollercoaster.
The small dropship began dropping, and when we reached 10ft off the ground, I jumped off, and TRIED to do a cool roll, but flopped on my stomach. That only seemed to aggravate Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wrath upon my gut.
I flipped, and looked on at the wreckage in satisfaction. Hooray, I did it, I stopped them from killing us. I’m so excited. No, not really, because it was then that I realized I just killed HOW many people?
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[4 Hours Later]
Jehnahglen awaited in the bridge of the Icepick, watching and waiting for any sign that Penec’rie was returning. He waited, and waited, and waited, but nothing came to fruition. Not even a “this might take longer than expected”, or an “S.O.S”. Just dead silence from the green and blue ball in space that sat below them. Since Penec’rie wasn’t on board, Jehnahglen had control of the Icepick until he returned, as was their custom. If he wasn’t there, then Penec’rie or himself would choose someone.
The control room was fairly comfortable. Dimly lit, black and dark yellow color scheme, and a few troops of various different races such as Ruibals and Gaoians that were at the bottom of the barrel and needed work or a family operating the various functions of the ship. In terms of militarization, this pirate group was above most else, and he was proud of it. The Qeunel’ck’dk, though, was a name that needed to be modified. Drastically. Even he didn’t like it, and he was sure most of the crew didn’t either. Something simpler would be nice.
Of course, he really had no say in the matter. It was not as though he LEAD the Qeunel’ck’dk, he was just one of their Commanders. Sure, a high one, but he was still a Commander and just that. The silence was getting to him, what the hell was taking Penec’rie so long? Missions usually never took him that long. He didn’t want to accept it, but it was likely that the worst had happened. The Deathworlder, or the planet itself had killed him. Or at the very least, saved him for lunch.
There was only one thing that he could do.
He nodded to one of his staff, followed by the words “Put me in contact with Hehknahn” (co-founder of the Qeunel’ck’dk, if you’ve forgotten). There were a few moments of silence in the bridge, when suddenly, Hehknahn’s face came up on the holoscreen. Askledens were pretty ugly, even for galactic standards. They hailed from a Class 7 planet, and were much like most other species.
“Hehknahn,” I started. He already seemed displeased, I bet he was expecting Penec’rie. Hehknhan never really liked me, probably because I was a Ruibal. Or maybe it was because he just preffered Penec’rie in command of the Icepick all the time. They were brothers, so that was to be expected. “It appears that Penec’rie has been trapped on a Deathworld, and we need to rescue him.”
Immediately, Hehknahn looked surprised, even a little scared. He shifted nervously on the other end of the line, and I could see the disbelief in his eyes. “…how…. do you propose that we fix this?”
I had an idea in mind.
“Some time ago, you captured an infant Vulza from an Alliance Transport Ship, and then had it augmented some (years) later when it reached maturity, correct? That one that we occasionally use to frighten other… ‘organizations’ when need be?” Internally, I was more excited than I have ever been. This would certainly be interesting.
“You still have that, yes?” I added. Hehknahn’s eyes grew wide with terror. He gulped, and then nodded back. When he spoke, his voice wavered, but all I needed was that one word.
“…yes…”