Now that the whole naming thing was out of the way, we could finally–wait, no, it wasn’t. I couldn’t exactly remember when my last name was, which, as you may imagine, is somewhat of a problem.
Me and Squiggles stood there for a while, as I thought myself a fitting last name. I tried thinking back as far as I could, perhaps I could find SOMETHING in this head of mine.
I remembered sitting in a bar, dimly lit, with one of my friends by me. It’s kind of blurry…. but I remember that he was drinking whiskey. Wait, whiskey? Lightbulb.
From here on out, my full name is Jack Daniels, legendary survivor of… Oh, that’s another problem. What the hell is this planet called?
Well, it’s hot, REALLY hot. A big, wide, expansive jungle, filled with who-knows-what in terms of deadly creatures lurking in the shadows. Thus, it SUCKS.
After a while of trying to think of a name that indicate this place sucks, I decided on something not TOO edgy, but fitting. This place is now known as Apollyon, which, from what I remember, is the angel of the abyss if his name was greek’ified.
Then, my train of thought was abruptly cut off by a low rumble. Ah, my stomach. Lovely. What am I going to do for food in this place?
Right, now I know–I’m a Human.
Time to hunt. But with what?
I looked around the room for something to attack with. Definitely not whatever that’s supposed to be. Looking up, I saw a pipe running across the ceiling.
Perfect. I climbed up onto a small crate, and grabbed hold of the pipe, pulling as hard as I could. Squiggles called out from behind me, in a curious voice.
“What are you doing with that plasma transfer pipe?” I stopped, and turned. “A plasma transfer pipe? So, this thing is dense enough to hold plasma? That’s perfect for hunting.” I put it bluntly as possible as I ripped the damn thing out of the ceiling.
I could almost see Squiggles’ eyes pop out of their sockets in shock. “Hunting? What do you mean, there’s a hydroponics lab just down the hall?”
Ah, yes, a hydroponics lab. Expect a quick response, sir Squiggles.
“I am NOT a lettuce eater.” I said, hopping down from the pipe and to the floor with a thud. I turned to the door, and nodded to him.
“I’ll be back in a bit.” With that, I began my trek down the hall and back out into the wilds of the jungle. I explored the immediate area for a little, finding a few berries. Of course, I couldn’t trust if these were poisonous or not, so I left them there.
Heading down a small path convening through the trees, I noticed that it was quickly getting colder. Passing down the path, in about ten minutes, the temperature dropped at least 20 degrees Fahrenheit.
Once I emerged from the path, which I nicknamed “Floyd’s Tomb” because of how abormally claustrophobic it was considering it was SURROUNDED in bushes and trees, I discovered a beautiful little clearing with a pond in the center.
It took me a moment to realize there was something drinking from the pond itself. Head bent over, taking cautious, slow sips. Upon inspection, it was much like a Panther with a mutated two extra legs, with the musculature of a Lion (of course, without a mane), about seven feet long. It had no tail, but it did have thick scales that encompassed its body like armor.
Here’s the thing, I may have the know how of a survival expert, but I’ve never even taken a stroll in the local woods. My cozy little apartment is safe enough for a guy like me.
So this thing absolutely petrified me. I gripped the pipe and got low, moving slowly in the bits of taller grass scattered about. As I approached, a long, centipede like creature, about as long as a cat, leapt out from the tall grass and bit me in the leg.
WOW, did that one hurt. I thrashed, finally getting the vile creature latched to my leg off. I yanked back the pipe, and triumphantly, I brought the thick cylinder down onto the centipede-monster.
A sickening crunch emitted from the small being, but before I could even bend down and inspect the thing, I noticed that the…. er…. let’s just call that thing a ‘Chainlion’ (due to the scale armor). As I was saying, the Chainlion was staring at me. Predatory glare included.
Before I knew it, it was launching at me like a Chinese bullet train. I screamed, stepping back and defensively holding my pipe close to my face like a baseball bat. The thing tackled me and we sprawled to the ground. It stood over me, and opened its jaw.
Hol-ee-shit. And I thought Sharks were scary, but this thing had four rows of teeth. FOUR ROWS OF TEETH! It let out a terrifying roar, and my body went on autopilot.
Without even telling them to, my arms curled back and jammed the pipe down the thing’s throat faster than a bullet. The roar turned to gurgling, and fell over at my side, writhing around.
A disgusting sight? Check. I’ve never killed an animal before, so killing two was a gamechanger. At least it was in self defense, I guess. I kneeled down to inspect the body, and found that it was absolutely done for. No more Mister Chainlion for today, because Mister Chainlion was a PRICK.
[15 minutes later]
My back hurt, my arms hurt, my hands hurt, but after some time dragging a wildlife corpse through Floyd’s Tomb, I was now looking down at my dinner.
Squiggles appeared disgusted at the sight of the creature. He looked at me, then back at it. If he was a Human, I’d easily be able to tell that was the face of total and utter shock.
“…YOU killed THAT thing? How? Your muscles appear to be miniscule!” I shushed him, and then turned back to the creature, eye wide. Damnit, I was hungry, and nothing could stop that.
“Do you have a hot surface anywhere?” I asked, leaning against the table that the Chainmail laid on top of. He looked at me, his face now showing that he was content. Damn, if I wasn’t good at reading faces, what was I?
Or maybe it was just the translator. I didn’t know it could do that, but, who knows?
“Yes, there is a cargo bay not too far down that hall. Inside one of the crates should be a plasma conduit.” When I asked for something hot, I didn’t expect a PLASMA thinga-mer-bobber, but it would suffice.
“I’ll do my best.” I grabbed my pipe and walked out the door, heading down the hall. A couple paces down to my right was the cargo bay from earlier. I noticed that by one of the ships were a collection of metal crates. Jogging over, I began opening them to investigate.
“Nope. Not this one. Nah.” I said to nobody in particular, that is, UNTIL I discovered what looked like a small cylinder feeding into a box with another cylinder coming out the end. It would fit perfectly on my pipe.
Score. I grabbed the proccessing conduit and made my short walk back down the hall to report to Squiggles.
“What are you waiting for, you imbecile, attach it to the pipe!” He barked. I shrugged. Squiggles is abusive, so he doesn’t exactly live up to the name.
“Sure, whatever, Squiggles.” in reaction to this, confusion sprawled across his face. “Squiggles?” he asked. I chuckled, simultaneously nodding. “Yes, Squiggles. It’s my nickname for you.” He was now angry. I have upset the beast.
“My name is Li’Vhen, and you will resp–” I cut him off. “No, Squiggles.” There was a pause, and he made a ‘hmph’ noise. I climbed onto the crate in the corner, and attached the thing into the pipe, which fit perfectly into both ends.
Then, a pause.
“You’re an idiot,” he spoke angrily. ‘Still upset about your nickname, Squiggles?’ I thought to myself, as he took a short breath. “You need to get the plasma flowing again. You really thought that was it?”
“Yada-yada-yada, I’ll get it done. Where?” He was quick to respond in an furious manner. Slow your roll, Squiggles.
“In the maintenance room. Down the hall. Go, before you cause my head to explode, you barbarian.”
“It’d probably explode anyway, that thing is the size of a watermelon.” His angered complexion transformed into confusion.
“A what?” he asked. There was a silence, and the room grew cold. Mentally, I slapped myself in the face. ‘Ah, that’s the missing puzzle piece–he’s a fucking Alien’
“They’re, uh…. I don’t need to explain this. I’ll be right back.” For, hopefully the last time that day, I stepped out into the hall, and jogged the opposite way from which I entered the ship. It took a while, but I did eventually find a room labelled “Maintenance Room”.
Handy, this translator also does text. Why couldn’t these exist on Earth already? I’m sick and tired of trying to figure out wether my Professor hates me, or my newly written essay.
Either way, I don’t know how to operate a spaceship’s plasma distribution system, so, this was about to get trickier than I thought.
And a lot more interesting.